Why do I do this to myself!

I try and I fail.  I try and I fail.  I repeat my failures at control over my body over, and over.  For some reason I can’t seem to go though with my thoughts.  I want to control the sexual urges that enter my mind.  I want to control my eating habits.  I want to exercise more and I want to stop wasting money on trinkets that I won’t end up keeping more than a few months, if even that long.  There are many changes that I would love to implement but for some reason I just can’t seem to stick to them.

Some people would suggest that I go see a psychiatrist.  However that option is out of the question.  There are aspects of my personality that if ever revealed to a person in that profession I would be in deep trouble.  I wouldn’t be able to be honest which would undermine our relationship.  Concealing anything for any reason from a psychiatrist would keep them from correctly diagnosing me and would hamper treatment.  So it is pointless to even try.

There are days I would love to neuter myself and be free from the daily or even hourly obsession with porn.  There is hardly a day that goes by that I do not please myself by looking at pornography of some sort.  I masturbate daily and my interests vary.  If I prevent myself from looking at one type then I’ll just settle for one of my other interests.  Neither of which are conducive to a healthy state of mind.  I just can’t help thinking of these subjects day in and day out.  So castrating myself seems like a viable option.  Then I get to thinking about all the things that would go wrong without the production of testosterone. 

According to research I’ve done I would get fatter, lazier, weaker, and I would experience hot flashes, etc..  Adding testosterone back to my body would increase my libido again, therefore negating the act of castration.  Other than the fact that I wouldn’t have those 2 orbs hanging between my legs below my penis anymore.  I certainly have no desire to change my gender.  I’m happy being male, I just hate thinking about my sexual urges all the time.

So I’m going to try again for the last time tonight to refrain from these activities.  As well as to start exercising again.  I’m tired of being fat.  I can’t say I’m unproductive because I can get around easily enough and stay busy at work.  However it’s hard on my joints especially my knees when I squat down to straighten something on a lower shelf to to pick something off of the floor.

So here we go.  Starting 12:00 a.m. c.s.t.   03/14/2018.  

  • I will no longer consume the following foods; ice cream, cookies, cookie dough, brownies, brownie batter, cake, cake mix, stax potato chips, pringles, candy bars, cadbury easter candy, chocolate, hot chocolate, popsicles, icee drinks, shaved ice drinks, snow cones, peanut butter crackers, jerky links, soda pop, gatorade, banana bread, banana pudding, cheese dip, frozen peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, ice cream sandwiches, cinnamon toast, jello, pudding, and any other heavily sugared item.
  • I also will limit the consumption of fast food, restaurant food, and pizza to one of the aforementioned items every two weeks.
  • I will walk a minimum of 30 minutes at least 5 nights a week regardless of stamina or weather.
  • I will no longer look at pornography on the internet.
  • I will limit masturbation to once a month.
  • I will eat healthier foods and portions.
  • I will try to treat everyone with the respect they deserve whether I like them or not.

This I swear to myself, my fellow man, god or any other deity that may exist without my knowledge.  I will be a changed man and do my best to be a productive member of society.  I will make a difference. 

FYI  – I know that I shouldn’t forbid myself certain foods.  I’m aware that doing so usually sets myself up for failure.  But I am determined in this, and will not be denied.  I have done it before.  I refrained from eating those items for 5 years or more and had no desire to try them again.  Until I was put in a situation where I had either the choice between those items or nothing at all.  So I chose those items and have been hooked ever since. 

My life on the flip side!

So I’ve been doing some soul searching today.  If i were to add up the number of hours I’ve spent looking at pornography online.  I believe it would add up to months, maybe even a year or more.  It is but 1 more addiction that I have that will be difficult to overcome!  Add it to the food addiction and the shopping addiction and you have a whole mess of things to sort out.  Who knows, maybe all 3 all part of 1 big addiction that I have not yet come to terms with.  At the moment they appear as individual problems.

So how do I overcome those addictions that have plagued me since the early teenage  years?  I am still working that out.  So far my strategies have been to go cold turkey and simply not partake in these harmful activities.  To this day I have had difficulties doing so. 

However now that I better understand how much of my time, money, and relationships that all this have cost me I will be doing this once and for all!!!!!

Constant Struggle!

Here I am having consumed a full pizza and half of another.  These are large thin crust pizzas that I have made with pre-made crust, mozzarella cheese, pepperoni, and Chef Boyardee pizza sauce.  I also bought a cookie dough kit to make my own cookies.  However I do not have the room in my stomach for it and I plan to initiate phase 1 of my new eating plan again tonight.

There are times when even I do not understand the inner workings of my mind.  There are so many things I would love to accomplish in life.  But my weight hinders almost all of them.  Such as I would love to stay at the Phantom Ranch at the bottom of the Grand Canyon.  However you have to ride a mule to the bottom and the weight restriction is to be under 200 lbs.

Day 3

Woke up this morning at 7:55 a.m.  I don’t have to work until 11:00 a.m. but it sure is nice getting up early and doing something useful.

  • Breakfast – 1 bowl of apples & cinnamon oatmeal, 2 slices of peppered bacon.
  • Snack –
  • Lunch –
  • Snack –
  • Dinner –

My planned exercise today is to walk 3 miles along the Oklahoma River.

Day 2 Complete!

  • Breakfast – 2 salmon patties
  • Snack – None
  • Lunch – Ham sandwich with a thin slice of cheese, 1 hot link sandwich, and some salad.
  • Snack – None
  • Dinner – 2 salisbury steaks (1 pound of 81% ground beef split into 7 patties), brown gravy, 1/2 potato mashed, and 1/2 serving of peas.
  • Exercise – Walked 2 miles down 44th and eastern.

Day 3 of walking and day 2 of new eating regime done.  I feel better today.  I’m not nearly as sore and I feel that I did well on my eating.  Maybe not as nutritious as I should be eating, but far better than I would otherwise.  Especially on payday.  I was invited to The Feast by Cole and McDonald’s by Dan.  I was able to resist temptation for now.

285.2 lbs today!

Day 1 Complete

Yesterday I went to the Oklahoma River and walked 2.7 miles on the trail beside the river.  My feet were wore out after walking that far.  It had been a while since I’ve walked a good distance all at once.


  • Breakfast – Nothing
  • Snack – Nothing
  • Lunch – 1 Turkey Sandwich, and 1 Hot Link Sandwich
  • Snack – Nothing
  • Dinner – 3 Corn Tortilla Tacos
  • Exercise – 2 Mile walk down SE 44th and South on Eastern

Today’s walk was hard.  I was very sore from yesterdays walk as well as going to work at 7am on the 5th of the month.  I didn’t leave work until 6:30pm, so almost 12 hours on the job.  Blah!

It was hard but I persevered through the pain. 

Beginning of a lifelong journey!

Hello there, if you’ve followed me at all in the past few years.  You know that I have often started my weight loss plan and then quickly fall off the wagon you might say.  I’ve created and deleted many posts in this blog over the years as I have failed in my attempts at weight loss.

I’m not really sure why I overeat other than I really enjoy the flavor of foods and like to eat as much as possible to savor the flavors.  I know that boredom is a big trigger for me.  If I have nothing to do for hours at a time, then food is an easy time killer.  I don’t think that I eat for emotional reasons.    Maybe if I found a hobby to keep myself active I might find it easier to abstain from snacking.

There are so many things I would love to be able to do with my life.  But many of them revolve around a healthier lifestyle.  There are weight restrictions for almost anything anymore.  Such as helicopters charging more for overweight riders.  To airplanes making their seats smaller every year.  Almost everyone hates to see a fat person walk onto a plane.  Hoping to high heaven that we don’t sit next to them. 

Being overweight has many stereotypes.  People think that because you are overweight that you are a slob and that you smell really badly.  They act like it’s a disease that they can catch by having our fat rolls touch them during a flight.  You can just see the look in their eyes as you walk down the aisle. 

Just a few of the activities that have a weight restriction or size limit ; scooters, airplane seats, helicopter rides, canoeing, rafting, rock climbing, rappelling, bungee jumping, sky diving, scuba diving, trampolines, segways, horse back riding, camel riding, elephant riding, mule riding, wind tunnels, parasailing, and many others.  Every time I want to do an activity such as a cruise ship excursion.  I have to check to make sure that I’m not too heavy for the activity.  Either I take up too much space on the bus to and from the activity.  Or the equipment that I will be using is not suited for a person of my size. 

It really sucks to have to scrutinize everything I do.  For once I would just like to go to Frontier City and not have to worry about whether I’m going to fit in on the roller coaster I want to ride.  Speaking of which.  I haven’t been to a theme park in over 5 years because the last time I went to one was Dollly World.  I went on a roller coaster and the guy had to literally put all of his weight onto the harness to make it click into the mechanism.  It was so tight that I could hardly breath.  Add  to it the fact that it was humiliating that he had to work so hard to make me fit.  I just decided not to ride anymore rides that day.  I haven’t tried to go to any others since then.  

Even when I go to the state fair.  All I can do is walk around and look in the buildings.  While sampling some of the delicious carnie food.

So today is the day!!!  I’m tired of making excuses and then binge eating when no one is looking.  I’m going to do this for me, not anyone else.  My life as an overweight individual is over.  I may not get down to what they might consider to be my perfect weight.  But I will get down to at least 200 lbs.  That is a promise to myself!

To show that I mean business I am going to post my current pictures on the net.

12:00 – 03/04/2018 – 289.8 lbs




Polar Plunge

Hopes and Dreams

Contained herein is a list of things that I would love to achieve in my lifetime!

  • Visit the Grand Canyon
  • Learn to repel
  • Repel down into a vertical cave
  • Sky dive
  • Go parasailing
  • Visit an active volcano
  • Visit the catacombs Rome
  • Take a shuttle outside of our atmosphere into space
  • Buy a brand new car
  • Own a home of my own with some land
  • Get down to under 200 lbs
  • Hike at least 1 of the 7 summits
  • Walk a good portion of the Appalachian Trail
  • Own a German Shepard
  • Have my Cougar skeleton articulated
  • More to come!