Why do I do this to myself!

I try and I fail.  I try and I fail.  I repeat my failures at control over my body over, and over.  For some reason I can’t seem to go though with my thoughts.  I want to control the sexual urges that enter my mind.  I want to control my eating habits.  I want to exercise more and I want to stop wasting money on trinkets that I won’t end up keeping more than a few months, if even that long.  There are many changes that I would love to implement but for some reason I just can’t seem to stick to them.

Some people would suggest that I go see a psychiatrist.  However that option is out of the question.  There are aspects of my personality that if ever revealed to a person in that profession I would be in deep trouble.  I wouldn’t be able to be honest which would undermine our relationship.  Concealing anything for any reason from a psychiatrist would keep them from correctly diagnosing me and would hamper treatment.  So it is pointless to even try.

There are days I would love to neuter myself and be free from the daily or even hourly obsession with porn.  There is hardly a day that goes by that I do not please myself by looking at pornography of some sort.  I masturbate daily and my interests vary.  If I prevent myself from looking at one type then I’ll just settle for one of my other interests.  Neither of which are conducive to a healthy state of mind.  I just can’t help thinking of these subjects day in and day out.  So castrating myself seems like a viable option.  Then I get to thinking about all the things that would go wrong without the production of testosterone. 

According to research I’ve done I would get fatter, lazier, weaker, and I would experience hot flashes, etc..  Adding testosterone back to my body would increase my libido again, therefore negating the act of castration.  Other than the fact that I wouldn’t have those 2 orbs hanging between my legs below my penis anymore.  I certainly have no desire to change my gender.  I’m happy being male, I just hate thinking about my sexual urges all the time.

So I’m going to try again for the last time tonight to refrain from these activities.  As well as to start exercising again.  I’m tired of being fat.  I can’t say I’m unproductive because I can get around easily enough and stay busy at work.  However it’s hard on my joints especially my knees when I squat down to straighten something on a lower shelf to to pick something off of the floor.

So here we go.  Starting 12:00 a.m. c.s.t.   03/14/2018.  

  • I will no longer consume the following foods; ice cream, cookies, cookie dough, brownies, brownie batter, cake, cake mix, stax potato chips, pringles, candy bars, cadbury easter candy, chocolate, hot chocolate, popsicles, icee drinks, shaved ice drinks, snow cones, peanut butter crackers, jerky links, soda pop, gatorade, banana bread, banana pudding, cheese dip, frozen peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, ice cream sandwiches, cinnamon toast, jello, pudding, and any other heavily sugared item.
  • I also will limit the consumption of fast food, restaurant food, and pizza to one of the aforementioned items every two weeks.
  • I will walk a minimum of 30 minutes at least 5 nights a week regardless of stamina or weather.
  • I will no longer look at pornography on the internet.
  • I will limit masturbation to once a month.
  • I will eat healthier foods and portions.
  • I will try to treat everyone with the respect they deserve whether I like them or not.

This I swear to myself, my fellow man, god or any other deity that may exist without my knowledge.  I will be a changed man and do my best to be a productive member of society.  I will make a difference. 

FYI  – I know that I shouldn’t forbid myself certain foods.  I’m aware that doing so usually sets myself up for failure.  But I am determined in this, and will not be denied.  I have done it before.  I refrained from eating those items for 5 years or more and had no desire to try them again.  Until I was put in a situation where I had either the choice between those items or nothing at all.  So I chose those items and have been hooked ever since. 

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